Love Letters Boxset Volume 1: Bonus content included Page 5

I thought I was getting my little boy back. I thought he was moving forward with Jack being out of our lives. I didn’t even get the chance to tell Jack off after the last time he’d broken his promise to Tommy. He just hadn’t been in contact.

  I was worried, at first. Now, I suppose, I understand why Tommy hasn’t been too upset about it. I want to be excited that he’s happy, but after learning that he’s trying to set me up with a man I’ve never met, let alone spoken to, and who is lord only knows where, I feel like I should be even more worried.

  “Tommy!” He’s in his room reading his own letter.

  “Coming, Mom!” is followed by his footsteps barreling down the stairs like an elephant.

  “I got a letter from Gage today, too.” The sneak flashes me a huge smile. “He says you asked if he’d take you fishing when he’s on leave.” At least he has the decency to look away.

  “He’s in Baltimore, Mom! He could do it!” The eagerness in my son’s gaze breaks my heart.

  “He also said you sent him a picture of me.” Little boys blushing is adorable, but I can’t let that sway me. Sitting on the couch, I pat the cushion and ask him, “What’s your plan here, sweetheart?”

  With his heart in his eyes, he tells me, “I don’t want you to be lonely anymore, Mom.”

  “Oh, baby, I have you. How can I be lonely?”

  “You’re not married. And you don’t have someone to tell you how much you mean to them. Cassie’s dad tells her mom all the time. I want that for you.”

  Crap.

  I can’t lie and say I’m not lonely; I am. So much so, my heart aches. But I thought I’d done a reasonable job hiding it.

  “Tommy,” a sigh leaves me, “you shouldn’t be worried about that.”

  “I know.” He looks so sad. “Sometimes, I’m lonely, too, Mom. I want a dad that loves me. One who wants me.” Hope lights his gaze as he stares at me. “I think if Gage knew us, he’d want me, too.”

  When he throws his arms around me, I fight not to break down and give into the emotions taking control of my heart and mind. My son, my life, is wracked with self-doubt, and I have no idea what to do.

  Soldier man,

  I think Mom’s mad at me. She didn’t say nothin’, but her eyes were sad again. They’re like that a lot lately, and I think it’s ‘cause of me. Sometimes, I wish we were normal, and my dad wanted us.

  She would be happy ‘cause someone would tell her she’s pretty and bring her flowers, and I’d get to go fishing.

  Mom said I shouldn’t be putting pressure on you like that. I just know you’d love her, too, though. She’s pretty, right? She makes the best chocolate chip cookies, too. I sent you some this time. I forgot before.

  Do you know when you’ll be home? Maybe we could have a BBQ? I’ll ask mom if she can make her Oreo cheesecake. She loves to bake.

  Oh! And you could bring her daisies, they’re her favorite.

  Gotta go to bed now!

  Riddler

  This kid’s breaking my fucking heart. I couldn’t lie and say I’m not attracted as fuck to his mom. She’s gorgeous. Long blonde hair, bright honey-gold eyes, plump lips I could easily get lost in. What pulled me in when I first saw her photo was her smile. It was real, genuine. I’d bet my last dollar she was watching her son when it was taken. That kind of radiance only comes from a deep love.

  I pull the box of cookies from the box and see I have a letter from Paisley as well. I was concerned when I wrote her, but I didn’t want her to be blindsided when I show up on their doorstep in a few months.

  I don’t know when I decided I wanted this little, broken family to be mine, but it’s done. They’re mine. I just have to convince her of that.

  Biting into the first cookie, I moan like a teenage boy getting off for the first time. Holy fuck. The kid wasn’t lying. His mom is a goddess.

  Dear Gage,

  If you were here, you would feel my bewilderment. I’m speechless and mortified, and I don’t know what to tell you.

  I had no idea Tommy felt this way.

  Jack, his father… I can’t even write his name without feeling angry.

  I’m sorry. I am so sorry. I can’t… Ugh. Obviously, it’s a touchy subject.

  Tommy said he asked you to meet us when you come home. After listening to everything he had to say, and against my better judgment, I think it would be good for him.

  If you wanted to, that is. There’s no reason for you to say yes and feel pressured. I just wanted you to know that I’d be alright with it.

  Just please, don’t disappoint my son.

  He… We can’t handle anymore.

  Paisley

  I wonder if I can ever make her understand that this letter has sealed her fate with me. She might not be able to see it, but I can. She’s interested in what Tommy wants to brew between us as much as me.

  I only hope I’m able to pique her interested in getting to know me before I arrive.

  It’s here, I just know it! We haven’t heard from Gage in two weeks now, so today has got to be the day he’s written us back.

  Mom has secret smiles now after she reads a letter from him, and I think my plan is working.

  “Sit still, Tommy. You’re like a jumping jelly bean.” Mom’s face lights up from the front seat of the car as we drive home from school.

  Cassie doesn’t bug me as much anymore, and I like that. I can talk to her about Gage, and she asks me what kind of plans he’s making when he comes home. Her face scrunches funny when I tell her fishing; she thinks they stink. Mom does, too, so I’m used to it. Girls just don’t understand. Gage says it’s a great way to provide for your family. I kind of like the sound of that.

  “I just know our letters will be here today, though!” I bounce excitedly in my seat, and Mom gets this look on her face. She’s trying not to laugh at me while attempting to remain stern. I like when I can do that to her. We always have the best laughs, and Mom soothes me.

  “Shit.”

  “I heard that! That’s one nickel for the swear jar, Mom.” We have a deal that when she says a bad word, she has to put a nickel in a jar, and when I slam a door or throw a toy, I have to do the same. At the end of the month, whoever has the least nickels in their jar gets all the money. Last month, I won, and we had pizza for dinner.

  Mom’s smile is gone now, and I realize we’re home. Sitting on the front step is Jack. I can’t bring myself to call him my dad anymore. I don’t think he deserves it for the amount he’s made Mom and me cry.

  “Mom?” I question when she stops in the driveway, and he stands. A stupid smile on his face.

  “I love you, Tommy,” she says, and I can hear the tears in her voice.

  “I love you, too, Mommy.”

  “I want you to know, it’s your choice if you go with him. But if you don’t want to, I won’t make you.” Mom’s so strong. I know I’m young, and most people would say I don’t understand what the wobbling in her voice and the look in her eyes means, but I do.

  Mom doesn’t want dad to hurt me no more.

  I don’t either.

  “I don’t want to go, Mommy.”

  * * *

  Paisley

  I shouldn’t be so relieved. I’m horrible for wanting to keep my son from his father, but Jack is so damn unreliable and selfish. He hurts Tommy with every broken promise, and I can’t stand it.

  “You got it, baby. I want you to go on inside and get your stuff put away, and I’ll be in, in a minute.” I have to mentally build up my walls to face Jack. I know he’s not going to like me saying no about Tommy.

  “Can I check the mail first?” he asks. I love that he’s always excited to hear from Gage. It’s sad that a man we haven’t even met is more reliable than his own father.

  “Do it real quick.” My son’s out of my Jetta before I’m done talking.

  Leaving the car, I watch Tommy run to the sidewalk to check the small mailbox. “Yes!” His cheer makes me smile. When he runs up to the house, he scowls when Jack t
ries to hug him.

  “Tomas!” I scold him.

  “Sorry, Mom.” His muttered words hold his reluctance to even look at the man. “Hi, Jack.”

  I have to put my hands over my mouth to hold in the laugh at Jack’s shock as my boy runs inside.

  “What the hell was that, Paisley?” He sounds different. The usual anger is there, but it’s magnified.

  Treading lightly, I walk around him and up the steps before answering. “He’s lost his respect for you, Jack. What did you expect?”

  “What is that supposed to mean?” Is he for real?

  “We haven’t heard from you in months. You stood him up for going fishing. No phone call, text message, smoke signals, nothing. You either need to be in his life or out of it, Jack. There’s no in between.”

  “You’ve been filling his head with lies! I call plenty.” When he steps towards me, I step back, and he sneers. It’s the look in his eye that scares me, however.

  “No, I haven’t. I’ve given him choices. And whatever you planned to do here today, he wants no part of it.”

  His hand shoots out so fast I don’t have time to move out of the way as his palm lands on my cheek. My head whips to the side, and my face instantly stings, bringing tears to my eyes.

  “You bastard.” I hiss at him, one hand cradling my face.

  “You stupid whore. If you don't let me see him, I’ll just have to go to court and take him.”

  The threat could buckle me under, but I force my spine straight. “You could try that, Jack. Haven’t you ever wondered why I haven’t gone after you for child support, more frequent visitations? A single court visit. Anything?” He looks puzzled. “You left me alone with your child at seventeen. How did you think I was going to get back at you? You have no rights where my son is concerned. And frankly, after today, if you come back here, I’ll call the police and have you arrested.”

  I rush inside and lock the door before he can do or say anything. Tears stream down my face as he pounds on the wood and calls me obscene names.

  “Mom!” Tommy comes rushing down the stairs visibly terrified.

  “Back upstairs, honey, it’s fine.” I can’t bring myself to look at him. He’ll see all of my pain, the swelling from Jack’s blow. I’m raw. I can’t let him see me like this.

  After I hear his steps retreating, I quickly order pizza for dinner and go up to my room, intent on cleaning myself up before I have to face my son and tell him everything’s all right.

  On my bed is an envelope with my name scrawled across it in bold letters. I don’t know if I have the energy to give him what he wants anymore. What they both seem to want so desperately.

  As I open the letter, something falls to the ground, and I look down to see dried yellow daisy leaves. I can’t contain the sobs that consume me as I read.

  Paisley,

  I walk around camp constantly saying your name. I love the way it rolls off my tongue. How delicate and soft it sounds.

  Paisley…

  I especially love the way I can picture moaning it against your lips for the first time.

  Paisley…

  As sweet as a Daisy.

  I know they’re not as fresh or look as nice as in the store, but I hope you can find comfort in the petals as if I gave them to you myself.

  We haven’t met, hell, we haven’t spoken, but I know you, Paisley. Your words speak of everything you want but won’t ask for. Everything I suddenly want to give you.

  When I come home, I’m coming for you.

  Both of you.

  Love, Gage

  My fears and dreams. Hopes and failures. They all sweep through me at the speed of light as I soak in his letter. The petals delicate in my hands as I fight back the overwhelming urge to beg him to keep his promise.

  Sadly, as I’ve learned, words are simply that. Words.

  You can’t trust what you can’t see.

  A package came for me as we were out on patrol and one of these little fucks decided to open it. I’m tempted to kill the fuckers. Especially since Paisley hasn’t responded back to me the last two times I wrote her. Tommy has been, but he also hasn’t been his normal cheery self either, and I’m going crazy not knowing what’s happening.

  After having to deal with watching Killian, the captain of our unit, go all googly-eyed over the girl writing to him, I’m dreading opening this box. I want a letter from her to be in there. I don’t know what I’ll do if there isn’t.

  Picking up the open box, I begin pulling out the container of double chocolate chip cookies that are suspiciously open already, some essentials they’ve packed for me like deodorant, toothbrush, and other necessities. Seeing the Marvel comic books, I feel a smile spread across my face. Tommy and I had talked about our favorite superheroes, both of us agreeing that Iron Man and The Hulk were the best.

  Seeing only one letter with Tommy’s childish script on the front, I’m disappointed. I know something’s wrong with Paisley, I just can’t figure out what. I could ask the kid, but I don’t want to put him in the position of essentially telling on his mom.

  Pulling the letter from the envelope I’m opening, what I see breaks my heart.

  Soldier man,

  I haven’t told you, but mom is sad. Jack came to the house a couple weeks ago, and when he left, Mom had a bruise on her face. She’s never cried so hard before, and I don’t think I’m strong enough for us both.

  I’m afraid Jack will try to come back and take me. I told Mom I don’t want to see him no more, but I think he’s been to my school before. I don’t know if it was him for sure.

  Are you coming home soon? I think Mom would like that a lot. She always smiles when you write her, even though I know she doesn’t write you back.

  You can make her smile again, Gage.

  Riddler

  P.S. There's 30 cows in a field, 28 chickens, how many didn't?

  That always stumps people :)

  A clattering of items hits my bunk walls, and I don’t realize what’s happened until my ears stop ringing and my breathing slows down. I’d tossed everything in the box and on my side table across the room.

  I’m so far beyond livid, I don’t think I’ll see straight again. That son of a bitch hit her. He hit my fucking woman.

  Two more months and my tour is over. If it’s the last thing I do, I’ll find that piece of shit and show him what a real man is.

  Sitting down on my bunk, I ignore the ruckus of the guys outside as they try and decompress after a harder than normal patrol. The aftermath of a firefight is always the most stressful. Killian and I have had to talk a few of the guys through it. What they’ve seen, what they were forced to do.

  It’s the worst part of not only being a soldier but of being a higher-ranking officer. We can’t sit by and let them work their way through the destruction on their own. We have to help, talk them off any ledge they might be feeling. Get them ready to go back stateside without going AWOL or developing such a severe case of PTSD that they’ll be a danger to everyone around them.

  Our soul mission to these men is to get them home in one piece.

  Dear Paisley,

  Talk to me. I miss the sweet smile I imagine is on your face when I read your letters. I miss the laughter I often felt in your words.

  Tommy worries about you. That boy worships the ground you walk on. I wonder if you know that? Does he tell you?

  If I were there, you bet your sweet ass I’d make sure he told you.

  I’m coming home in two months, Paisley. Less by the time you get this letter. I am coming for you. That’s a promise you can bank.

  When I do, you’re going to tell me everything. This thing between us isn’t just in my head. I’ve been around too long not to know the real thing when I get it.

  You’re real, Paisley.

  We’re real.

  Love, Gage

  Every time he writes me, I feel his touch. Every word and command feel like the promises he’s making. Trusting it is the hardest part.<
br />
  I’m terrified, after Jack, that I’ve only built Gage up in my mind. He can’t possibly be as perfect as I’ve dreamt. Can he?

  I mean, no man just wants an instant family. They don’t want a little boy that isn’t theirs. Or a woman that has no idea what she’s doing with her life.

  “Hey, Mom!” Tommy calls from the driveway. “Watch this!” I got him a new hockey net with all the bells and whistles, and he’s never been happier.

  “Great job, honey!” I cheer him on as he slaps the puck through each target in the corners. He loves sports, and he enjoys impressing me with all his tricks knowing I can’t kick a ball in front of my feet.

  My eyes stray back to the letter in my hands and the thoughts and feelings this man evokes in me. I wish it were as easy as he makes it seem. With Tommy, I can’t just jump the gun. Dive head first into the potential of failure.

  “Will you write him back?” Tommy’s curious question draws me from my thoughts to see him standing in front of me, peeking down at the letter. “I think he’d like if you did.”

  “When’d you get to be so smart?” I smile at him, hoping he doesn’t push for more.

  “He could make you happy again, Mom.” There’s hurt underlying his words.

  Pulling my son into my arms, I whisper, “You’re all I need to be happy.”

  I think. I hope. I wish.

  * * *

  Tommy

  Mom’s good at hiding her feelings. She thinks she’s protecting me. I don’t know what from, though.

  Gage would be good for us. Better than Jack the jerk. He hasn’t been around since he hit Mom. I think if he did come, I’d have to take care of him.

  Sometimes, I say not so nice things to my mom, and I always feel bad after, but she really is the best. I wish she saw herself the way I do.

  After dinner, before I get ready for bed, I get the chance to read Gage’s newest letter.

  Riddler,